Marshall B. Rosenberg describes a way of listening, feeling and communication that reduces conflict and makes natural giving, (compassion) possible.
Our training centers on the literacy of feelings and needs, which is quite different than that which people have been trained in. Instead of speaking a language of life, a language of feelings and needs, most people have been taught a language of criticism, moralistic judgments, analysis and diagnoses.
They're trained to say to other people, "the problem with you is…", and they have a wide vocabulary for telling people what wrong with them. Any language that sounds to other people like a criticism, we suggest is a tragic way of expressing that your needs aren't getting met.
Another form of communication that contributes to violence and which makes it hard for compassion to take place is any language that denies choice. Language of "have to", "should", "ought", "must", "can't". Nonviolent Communication says get good at expressing two things: what's alive in you right now and what would make life more wonderful. Learn how to say just that without any criticism or demand. Just say what's alive in you, how you are in other words, and what would make life wonderful. And no matter what other people say, hear only what's alive in them and what would make life wonderful.
What do you mean by violence? Most people refer to violence as physically trying to hurt another. We also consider violence any use of power over people, trying to coerce people into doing things. That would include any use of punishment and reward, any use of guilt, shame, duty and obligation. Violence in this larger sense is any use of force to coerce people to do things. Violence is also any system that discriminates against people and prevents equal access to resources and justice to all people.
By this definition many aspects of our corporate culture, parenting, athletics and formal education could be considered violent. John Holt wrote a book about education, How Children Fail. I got to know John when he was alive and we worked together at times. He said, "If we taught children how to speak, they'd never learn." We don't use punishment and reward to teach children to speak. They learn because it enriches their life, it opens up possibilities. Why would we ever want to teach anybody anything except for that reason? And if it enriches life, you do not need punishments and rewards.
